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Friday 17th October

Friday 17th October

Good afternoon.

It has cost the US tax-payer $700 Bn to rid the balance sheets of American banks of what has been described as "toxic debt". Here, the number looks like being even higher when you take into account Northern Rock, Bradford & Bingley, Lloyds-TSB-HBOS and the rest of the sorry lot. So,

£2.5 Bn to rid the Thames of the risk of "toxic effluent" looks, at first sniff, to be a good deal. Unless, of course, you live near to where a series of monster tunnels are to be dug, or have enjoyed playing in the park that will become a monster dump for all that is dug up. The locals are up in arms which may be better than being up to their necks in something even nastier but, when it's all done, the roses and other flora in that delightful, public place will win prizes at Chelsea.

Lewis, a bit of a dab hand with the leeks and daffodils, becomes a cross between Alan Titchmarsh and Isambard Kingdom Brunnel , just for you.

Most of Britain's farmers reckon it would have taken a mere sliver of those obscene wads of dosh to make both the Institute of Animal Health and Merial Animal Health Limited safe. Both are based on the same Pirbright site and, like a pair of kids in a playground, screamed last summer "It wasn't me!" when Foot & Mouth broke out.

Several enquiries declared a sort of score draw but expressed concern that an approach slightly more serious than applying a bit of Tippex and laying on a few yards of sellotape might have helped.

But, hey, it was only cattle that got hurt. The farmers and their families don't agree and just wondered, in passing, what the High Court thought. Given Judges are renowned as members of the Beef Steak Club and frequenters of Rules, London's finest red meat eatery, they may be in with more than a decent chance but who knows and Judges are, of course, entirely and professionally impartial. The law , after all, is an ass and not an Aberdeen Angus. Jon is our man in a white coat, white trilby and green wellies.

No playground bullies at a new club for kids in Battersea - they'd send a hitman or enforcer to settle any rows over who had the best conker or whose turn it was on the slide. The entry fee is a mere

£2.5 k but watch out for the kid who doubtless brought floods of tears to his parents eyes when he explained his greatest fun came from the simplest object amidst all the tech-techery and Hamley's finery that caught the other little darlings eyes. It's Glen, I guess it had to be, who dons shorts and takes his favourite teddy down to the Louis Vuitton of kindergartens.

The Nannies there are fully qualified and apparently happy unlike some of the delightful Filipino women who come here expecting to "work with children" only to end up facing wholesale abuse for a pittance. Tonight we feature an altogether happier lady from those lovely islands which the American's invaded under Thoedore Roosevelt's Presidency only to hand them over, eventually to the rapacious Marcos gang. They do have a lot to answer for, don't they? Maybe, if my favourite former Supreme has her way, it'll all be better on November 5th. Anyway, our Changing Face of London series ends with a lovely smile and you will want to join in.

James King is away but the show must go on, as they say in tinsel town, so Robbie Collin will be here instead to talk about " Eagle Eye" and "Burn after Reading".

"Golden Eye" was a James Bond film and "burn after reading" a common instruction to spies - difficult if applied to the Concise Oxford Dictionary but not unlike a piece of cake if a set of micro-cryptic instructions on how to undermine the re-emergence of state socialism is on your menu. (By the way, it was Hank Paulson and Gordon Brown's idea, wasn't it? The lefties haven't bothered saying "let's take over the banks!" for ages, have they? Then along comes one itsy bitsy credit crunch and the capitalists capitulate. How funny it has all become. )Anyway, I digress - the entire back-catalogue of Bond movies is now on Blu Ray HD DVD ( - like you, I'm getting there -) and, by way of celebration, the whole Bond circus came to town including the Man With The Raised Eye-Brow, (the names Moore, Sir Roger Moore). Why was it held at Bletchley Park? I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you so tune in, instead, and discover all with Lucy "Miss Money-Penny" Cotter.

Robin is M and will , in his "cover" or "legend" as a weather man, give you a forecast. Then he'll organise the invasion of Cuba.

Salma felt she would make the perfect Bond girl was it not for her fear of flying, aversion to gold, fear of motor-bikes, inability to cart-wheel and wrestle at the same time and , despite a phenomenal collection, her total lack of blade-tipped brogues. So instead she'll tell you what else you can do this weekend.

Do you expect me to tell you?

No, you say, we expect you to die.

Thanks a lot.

See you at six.