Good afternoon.
John Suchet and I regularly got mistaken for one another: male, dark-hair, not toweringly tall - I suppose it made sense. But I was even more bemused when someone suggested I could be Neil Diamond in one of those "Matthew, tonight I am going to be" shows. Anyway, nothing wrong with mistaken identity unless it falls into that dastardly legal area of personation and so long as the impersonated person doesn't mind. But that "doubles-industry" that has sprung from all that plumbed new depths today - with the offer, from a council flat in Streatham, of a Madeleine McCann lookalike. Glen, a unique specimen in my view, is in search of something made-up to look like a plausible explanation.
I wanted to put in the rubbish bin the "plausible explanation" put forward by Basildon Council for proposing to fine people who make mistakes in their refuse disposal arrangements. OK, we all want to save the planet and we all, well most of us, pay our council taxes. But I never saw in any manifesto an appeal for a mandate to persecute the population for putting a paper bag in a plastics only place. It is an affront to logic and reasonable administration, some might argue. And, if they did, they'd have a supporter in me. Tom Barton, who is quite tall and rather well built, is on the tail of the Town Hall tyrants.
On the other hand, a sound and reasonable exercise by those who administer justice on our behalf: the man who murdered a Harrods shop assistant in 2006 and buried her in a shallow grave will remain in custody for at least 23 years. Marcus has been listening to the moving reaction to this firm conclusion to a pointless tragedy.
It is Friday so we seek to lift your spirits, too: a surreal, reality show exercise in Sweden to find a new Lady in the Lake for a West End production based upon something between The History of the Crusades and an explanation of how rabbits can be made to explode - as the Big Boss said, it could only be Monty Python and the Spamalot lot. Piers looks terrific as King Richard.
Lucy , who was brilliant with Tom Hanks on Wednesday, turns her talents on Chris Rock tonight and Chrissie, who made the bonkers notion of Hawaii comes to Canary Wharf make sense last night, tonight keeps her bell-bottoms and stripped tee-shirt on to remain splendidly nautical at the Boat Show.
James tells us what he thinks of Tom Hanks latest offering. I am sure Lucy will have marked his card. Imagine, "As Tom said to me...." ! Marvelous. And James looks at Dan in Real Life, too, which Salma thinks is pap. At least I think that's what she said.
Talking of Salma, I was intrigued to see her eyeing up one of my suits and looking at the collar size of one of my white shirts. I am sure I heard her ask our brilliant make-up lady, Liz, to help squeeze her hair into a masculine quiff. Do I suspect an impersonation in a bid to deny me the chance to fulfill what is my obligation, this week, to craft What Not To Miss for you? You must watch to see if I succeed in foiling her plot. But will you know?
Judge, at 6.
Alastair & Salma
