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London Tonight Tonight Tuesday 23rd September 2008

London Tonight Tonight Tuesday 23rd September 2008

Good afternoon - I have just listened to Gordon Brown tell the Labour Party to "Man up!". This was not my interpretation nor did I understand the expression until Faye, two-tone grey and in gorgeous black trousers today, used it. It means "get a grip" and apparently "Cowboy up!" is an even harder imperative. So "Man up" I will, not that I think she was getting at me. I hope not.

West Ham "Manned up" wrongly to the tune of two - but Tevez was the real problem and Sheffield United have long since believed it cost them their place in the Premiership. £30m is what they reckon they are owed as a result and now the West Ham board must decide if they are going to cave in or "Cowboy up". Marcus, pleased the Gunners are atop the Premiership currently, appears interested enough to cover the story for you. Well "Manned up" Marcus.

Liz, always one to "Woman up" has the remarkable story of a man convicted of thirteen or fourteen offences, jailed for 23 years only to win a series of appeals that suggest a nasty crim' "Fitted" rather than "Manned" him up. It is complicated but a man's liberty was at stake so you'll be intrigued, I am sure.

A man who will not be looking forward to too much liberty in the near future, I dare say, is the one who donned a phantom of the Opera mask and brutally attacked two women. Short of redeeming features save they got the scumbag, Ben will keep this short, I hope.

Nick has been following in the footsteps of some other London crims who take the commuter track to leafy Surrey only to turn smart homes over, fill their swag backs and beat a hasty retreat back to the big smoke. A "Cowboy up" call, at least, went out this morning when Old Bill came a-knocking on the Surrey - London tourists.

A group of men who just "Man up" as a matter of professional course marched through the City of London today. If they caused traffic chaos no one was objecting. After 6 tours of Iraq and Afghanistan it was the least the Royal Fusiliers were entitled to. Phil looks very smart and is the very model of a modern major general for you.

Dita Von Teese is the ultimate in "Woman up" - sultry, formerly married to a very "rock-and-roll" rock star and the ultimate in saucy burlesque (makes Moulin Rouge look like Croydon. (Maybe that's what attracted Sarkozy to Croydon?) She is in the studio and I am need of cold water and a darkened room in which to unwind.

I may see you at 6 or I may answer Ms Von Teese's instruction to "Man up". In my dreams, dear viewer, in my dreams.

See you there.

Alastair and Salma.