Good afternoon.
The BFG, The Giant Peach and Matilda are among my children's favourite books. (Apart from the oldest who favours Chaucer and Beowolf).The three titles have two things in common: they are brilliant to read aloud to children and they are written by the late great Roald Dahl. His daughter Sophie also went out with Mick Jagger so the old rogue just got it right, time and time again. He also penned a series of brilliant short-stories entitled Tales of the Unexpected, made, you might, recall, into a successful TV series. Were he still alive he might have worked on a plot which involved an Oxford classicist, not averse to appearing, in wildly witting style, on TV panel shows, but who is seriously averse to combing his hair. His hero would then become an MP, get elected Mayor of London against a man who had been London for as long as most might remember and then, and this is the really "unexpected" bit, have a remarkably successful and gaffe-free first week in office.
The plot would then thicken when the man who had been London turns up at the first meeting of the new Assembly to keep an eye on our mop-haired hero.
And all of this is observed by the mystery man who has to sit apart from everyone else.
Harris becomes our political and literary critic to make this marvellous synopsis spring to life.
Incidentally, what do you give a man who has everything when he drops in from NY to wish you well in doing for London what he does for the Big Apple? Something from Asprey's? The Tate? Fortnum & Mason's? You will be amazed to learn it was none of the above but would guarantee Michael Bloomberg could navigate his way around our great city with informed confidence.
Unless he wanted to go to Harrow which is still a bit difficult following the mysterious explosion which killed one man and hospitalised others. There is now talk of bomb experts sniffing around and some interesting suggestions that oddly coloured liquids may have been poured through the letter box of the exploding end of terrace house. A big challenge for the collective wit of the boys in blue.
As was bringing safely to a conclusion the siege in Markham Sqaure off the Kings Road. The pieces that have fallen into place are tragic, involving strained relationships, alcohol-abuse and innocent by-standers fearing for their lives. But it is now being reported that barrister Michael Saunders "took" five bullets in the Police effort to end the night-mare. More questions than answers, me thinks.
More answers than questions, I hope, from our fabulous show-biz guest, Ms Greta Scacchi -which is neither an Italian pasta nor a curious Roman numeral though, if it were, it would be 301 + (sah). It is pronounced Ska-key which we will endeavor to remember. She's heading for the West End but is also involved in a movie which has chilling echoes of 7/7 and the shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes.
She follows James who will tell you why "What happens in Vegas" stays in Vegas - a sort of homily to the dangers of gambling and adultery. Not really but that's what most Americans assume. And Speed Race which, like Ronseal, does what it says on the tin. My youngest will smile and my wife's eyes will glaze over. Hear what Jimbo makes of them at 6.
Finally, like the brilliantly well behaved new-boy that he is, Lewis VJ, put his hand up and asked if he could be "excused". Permission granted by the Big Boss, he headed for Gravesend to attend to natures needs only to find that the venue for this perfectly natural bodily function had turned into a work of art and had been moved to central London. Knees held firmly together and with gritted teeth, LVJ will explain all. And wash his hands.
I was anxious to present What Not To Miss, not so much for old times sake as for the chance to scale the Olympian heights once more. Alas, I am allergic to Punch and Judy shows so I can't. Thank heavens for Salma's flexibility.
I, and one of life's true gentlewomen, crave your attendance at 6.
Unless LVJ is still craving an attendant, he'll be there too along with the rest of the team, warm with excitement and enthusiasm to send you on your well informed way to a restful weekend.
Alastair & Salma (kind soul, that she is)
