London Tonight Tonight

Hi,

You know by now that I hate trains - I think it may stem from a rather unfortunate incident I had a Clapham Junction. This was pre-ticket gates at Waterloo. I'd run to get the train and turned up at The Junction sans ticket. The guard just looked at me like I was a cheeky fare dodger when I told him I didn't have a ticket from Waterloo and needed to pay for it. He wasn't having any of it - told me I'd be fined twenty quid and made me cry (ok, I cry easily..and yes, I did think it might help my cause). The point of all of this, is that our old Mayor Ken of the Livingstone has done a similar thing - and has only gone and got away with it scott-free!

Not Fair I say - what do you reckon...? Apparently it's not just because it was Ken - according to the train people, it's up to the guard who gets fined and who doesn't. This should work in our favour then ladies - batting an eyelash, yes? But, NO! Simon's going to sort through the ticket stubs and find a nice guard - hopefully!

Before that - a really sad story about two teenagers who sought refuge in a take-away. They'd been chased and the man in the shop said they could hide out there. He went home and told them to lock up when they left. Problem is they never did - and he came back in the morning to find the young girl dead and the boy in a really bad way. The police think they may have been overcome by carbon monoxide fumes - Lewis is looking into it for you.

Then Marcus is tracking down a father and son who've apparently been trapping wild birds and selling them on as pets - unbelievably they've been accused of catching them on trees they've covered in glue! Ben (who's with me tonight) reckons it sounds like something out of one of his childhood books. I'm not sure how they're meant to get the birds off the tree once they're stuck. But that's not the point is it...?

Phil Bayles is on an island tonight. No, he's not been sent to an exotic location - he's in Kingston on the Ait (that's olde worlde English for island apparently) that's been over-run by squatters. They've taken over after the company who used to use it for weddings and parties etc. went bust and shipped out. The squatters want to stay and turn it into an "eco town" - find out more later.

And don't miss finding out more about lesbian vampires - Ben and I have been warned about this one by Faye... Ok Ben mostly - but still - I'll tread carefully. It's for James Corden and Matthew Horne's new movie - Lesbian Vampire Killers. That's who they are in the movie and Lucy's met them. Three of the ladies will also be with us in the studio - we'll try and avoid heading down the smutty (obvious) route and talk about the movie itself... Wish us luck!

Meanwhile - we'll be wishing you luck - with the launch of The People's Millions! It's time to get your entries in if you're involved in a good cause that needs our (well... Not ours... but the National Lottery's) cash.

Get thinking.

See you at 6.

Alex & Ben.

Squatters occupy the Thames

Have you heard of Raven's Ait? Maybe you've even been to a wedding reception there. It's an island in The Thames off the A307 Portsmouth Road. It used to be used for functions, but shut at the end of last year. Now it's been occupied. The video below is from the squatters themselves - we're going over to the island this morning and will bring you the full story tonight.

London Tonight Tonight

Hi!

It's me again. It was going to be Al - but he's just said a rude (well 3 rudes to be precise) and has left the building with laptop (source of said rudes) under his arm heading for PC World. He will be back I'm sure - but not via the Apple store. Dan and Faye both suggested this and were told even though he has loved them dearly in the past they now "resembled excrement on a very expensive carpet". Oh dear.

He's already been hard at work today for the show - interviewing Sir Paul Stephenson about his new life as the Met Police Commissioner. He told Al he wants bobbies on the beat on their own... Not sure that sounds like a safe idea to me... Find out what Sir Paul's got to say about this, and why he was left a little red-faced after a dawn raid this morning...

Before all that though there's a burning bus - not just any old bus - this one's a school bus - and it had kids on it. They're ok (they all got off safely and have filmed the blaze for us) but their parents had been worried about said bus for some time, and didn't want the little ones on it anyway. They've staged a sit-in - Harris was there to see it - so you can too.

Amy Winehouse has been in court - looking her usual self - full of the joys of spring she was. She turned out in a lovely summery frock and beehive to deny assaulting a fan at a charity bash.

And then we've got the continuing story of Daniel De Gale's family. As you all know we tracked his amazing battles during his life, and continue to follow his amazing family as they work tirelessly to save others after his death. Ben's down at the first Daniel De Gale Blood Donation day today and will be live from there.

There's also a look at Southend Pier - but I can't go into detail as this is really, really late already.

You'll see at 6 anyway.

Oh and Al's back - and Dan's offered me a bite of his Yorkie.

It's all too much.

See you then.

Alex & Alastair.

Amy Winehouse in court

More detail on London Tonight at six

London Tonight Tonight

Good afternoon.

I feel like one of those Victorian bee-keepers, with a white hat, veil and an odd "puffer" which, I think, kept the bees at peace. But I fear my puffer would be beyond today's challenge. I am surrounded by a swarm of worker bees, buzzing in every direction: Harris, counting floors as some count sheep when suffering from insomnia; Piers, coursing through lists of what is acceptable, and what is beyond the pale, in the lunch boxes of Barnet schoolchildren; and Chrissie, flitting from capital to capital, as if between daffodils in search of pollen, to list just how many places London is hotter than today. What a hive of activity! What a nest of industry!

And, at the heart of all this energy, our very own Queen Bee, Faye - strikingly all in black today. One of her many skills, and they are legion, is a fluidity and proficiency with the Queen's English - indisputably the most creative and comprehensive spoken language in the living world. So, her slump into the days of the Anglo Saxon Chronicles to express her views at our meeting, just now, came as something of a shock. Perhaps she is rehearsing for The Great Moment when expletives need not be deleted! Only a thought: But I, for one, blanched. The Big Boss was last seen checking on the spellings of most, and the derivations of some of the words she threw across the room to make her points.

A little more detail as to the cause may help. A school in Barnet has told mums and dads not to send their "littles" to school with a range of what some would call comfort food in their satchels, but what others may call junk food. Thus, a plain nutritional "pulse and fruit" bar will win a mention at assembly, whereas the same, dipped in lovely milky chocolate, will preface the outbreak of World War Three in the classroom. Crisps bad. Non-saturated, fat-free potato skins good. There is a touch of Orwell's 1984 about it, though Katie made a telling point when she enquired as to our likely reaction if the schools we sent our "littles" to, stuffed them with chips, crisps and chocolate bars at lunch??!
If parents attempt to make their heirs and heiresses smugglers and are caught, they can have the junk food back at the end of the day. I guess that rules out burgers, fried chicken and kebabs but crisp lovers and chocoholics may live in hope. Piers plays the Beadle in our "Barnet-meets-Oliver-Twist" offering - "Please Sir, I want some junk...."

Harris and the "floor counting", next. He is seeking the Donald Trump of the South bank who plans to thrust The Shard into what is currently a rather big, and I hope for the developers' sake, deep hole. Bozza was asked and agreed: the south of the river skyline is entitled to a towering ... tower. So towering that it will tower over Canada Wharf, will make anything Paris has to offer look like a "deux en haut, deux en bas", and reduce Berlin.... No, that is tasteless so I will leave it at that.
Harris has some spectacular pictures of what doesn't yet exist and will explain why the Russians won't be happy.

I am not happy that Visit London have suggested that London might be in need of a "makeover". Visions of Lawrence LLewelyn Bowen taking pink drapes and odd cornices of plaster of Paris to some of our architectural gems makes me wince. Inside Buck House already has them, but outside? Give us a break! Big Ben in day-glow stripes? St Pauls lit up like a one-armed bandit? Tate Modern like a coffin that glows in the dark? Actually it already looks like a coffin that glows in the dark but I think you get my point. Phil takes them on and I hope takes no prisoners. It would be like putting ads on the side of St Martin's in The Fields. What? Oh yes, so they did. BUT THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE!

Jimmy Mizen died an innocent in his family's eyes and we reported it at the time. At the trial of the young man accused of his killing, Jimmy's family now have to hear what happened that day. Rachel is standing beneath the lady with the scales of justice at the Old Bailey listening to the evidence.

Lewis has been listening to the good folk of Hyde Heath, reeling at the news of a thirteen year old girl who was molested on her way home from school. It shouldn't happen to anyone, but no-one in that charming little village can remember it ever having happened there before.

Heather Small helped us win the Olympics so you either love her, or feel she owes you a serious apology. She has sold 10 million albums which must make her feel good. But does she feel good about going back on stage for the first time in years? We'll ask her.

Finally Chrissie finds that London is warmer than Byzantium, Constantinople and Istanbul which, impressive though it sounds, is not everything it seems, especially if you find time to pop into the splendid exhibition currently running at the Royal Academy...
Alexander the Great kept bees and conquered Byzantium. So it started, and so it finishes.

See you at 6.

Alastair "where are my crisps" Stewart, and Katie "put that chocolate away" Derham.

What Not To Miss

St Patrick's Day Parade & Festival


One Life Live


British Music Experience

London Tonight Tonight

Afternoon,

Kauto Star's won the gold cup at Cheltenham - Al's not happy... he put his money on Barber Shop. Dishy Dan picked Alberta's Run in the office sweepstake - I had the unfortunate task of telling him it was a bit of an outside chance....

Another outside chance you might have thought - feeling unsafe in the back of a black cab. Robin's just asked if I'd feel unsafe now...I don't reckon I would. Despite John Worboys being convicted of drugging and assaulting female passengers, I still think it's one of the safest ways to get around London late at night. Ronke's going to be looking at the background to this case - as more disturbing details emerge about the former stripper and black cabbie... Ben's going to take the lead on safety - talking to the black cab bosses and the cops about how they're going to make sure another sex offender doesn't slip through their net.

We all know the credit crunch is on and we have to watch our pennies - but some people are getting desperate. I desperately want to go out for a lovely dinner tonight - but think I may cook at home and then just go for a few cheeky ones to try and cut costs. Not desperate measures I admit - just common sense. But some people are going to very different lengths to try and cut back/save themselves a few bob. They've decided shoplifting and fraud is the only way to make ends meet. Phil's looking at why - and talking to victims - whilst Rachel's gone back to Selfridges - third time this week! Don't worry she's not splashing the cash. It's the third instalment of her look at the iconic store which turns 100 this week and she'll be finding out how they're coping with the credit crunch.

Then the lovely James is here to talk movies - it's Marley and Me - which I still haven't convinced the other half to go and see with me! It's got puppies and everything - he's not convinced - despite the presence of Jennifer Aniston. I'll see what James says - not about coming with me obviously - just about the movie! And there's another flick called Hush. I've just watched a clip - looks v scary - not like something you should watch alone... But quite a lot like something I've seen before.

Finally Lucy's been to meet Annie Lennox - she's just released her greatest hits album. Fascinating chat apparently, so well worth hanging around for.

See for yourselves at 6.

See you then,

Alex & Alastair.

London Tonight Tonight

Good afternoon and welcome.

Richard the Third, who was "not made for sportive tricks", was so deformed, according to Shakespeare, that dogs barked at him in the street. I have just been barked at by a cabbie for smoking in the street. I should, perhaps, not smoke and I can't in the office, by law. But, for now, I can in the street and felt the barking was uncalled for.

For six years, since the report in to the death of Victoria Climbie, Lord Laming has been "barking" at Ministers to get their acts together over child care. They didn't and along came Baby P. And, tragically, Baby P died. So the Ministers asked him to do another report... Well today, like a teenage agitprop proselytizer the noble Lord simply told them to "Just Do It" as he published his report into the Baby P case. Interestingly, this impartial grey-beard recognised that many social workers are good eggs, under-paid, and over-worked members of what is a "Cinderella" profession. Emma looks at what else this fine gent had to say, what Ministers have to say (which doesn't appear to include 'sorry') and what frontline social workers feel now. We hope to talk to Esther Rantzen who knows a thing or two about these matters. I think it is just a case of "your place or mine" at the moment. Tune in to find if we get her and, having given ear to her and to Emma's fine report, tell us what you think.

Those who crossed Al Capone were not left with the means to "think" again - they were battered about the head with baseball bats. Chicago, in the prohibition 20s, was like that. But swans in Southall in the C21st? Yes, that's what I thought too. A spate of appalling attacks on these magnificent creatures has saddened us, but infuriated the guys and gals of the RSPCA. Piers joins them for Tales From the Riverbank that would make Hammer House of Horrors finest offering look like a Disney adventure.

The tragedy that is Jade Goody and her cancer is at times like a Disney romance with new, heart moving pictures of her wedding to Jack Tweed. In the elegant hands of Lucy, blessed with beauty and judgment, I think you will feel well served. They are moving pictures.

I loved last night's report from Rachel on Selfridges and she has part 2 tonight for you and, I like to think, for me.
It is a day in the life of the high altar of retail - a shrine shoplifters call "HelpyourSelfridges". Apparently Harry Gordon Selfridge, who established the shop 100 years ago, blew the bulk of the profits at the card tables and died in poverty in Putney. How odd is that? I'll bet Ralph Lauren and Coco Chanel never went further than a fiery hand or two of whist! The irony of that is to be found somewhere on the clothes rails between size 8 and size 16!
Talking of which, Faye, who I have not mentioned lately, is on fine form as the days tick away to The Great Day. A sweet little matelot tee-shirt nestles under a fierce black top, atop fierce black trousers and fierce Kiera Knightly Pirates of the Caribbean boots. She gets me to meet my deadlines, I can tell you.

Phil has spent the afternoon with two delicious ladies of a certain age. This is a matter for Phil and Mrs. Phil and the delightful Phil-ettes. All I can say is that the video evidence of this encounter in Chelsea will shock and amaze you in a way that will make you smile with affection, shed a tear of pride, and shudder with excitement as another sexist barrier is broken down in the name of elegant femininity. Even Mrs. Phil will forgive.

Gorgeous Dan, who the Oz mentioned yesterday (I think there's something going on there) asks to be mentioned: "Dan". There you go. I love him too, in truth, but in a different way. A very different way.
The Oz is on the phone, smiling. She has either just done a quick "two falls, two submissions or a knock-out" on some unapologetic politician... or she's telling Dan he's "in" the blog. I'll find out shortly.

Chrissie is with us - we would be incomplete and bereft without her... But it was cold when I was smoking and being shouted at a little while ago, so I hope her forecast smiles upon us...

The papers will be big on Baby P but find out, with us, what else tickles their fancies.
And that, I think, is about it.

So maybe Esther, possibly Ministerial apologies (though not likely), perhaps some scumbags who've been abusing the loveliest avian creature God ever crafted - all in all, it will be good, I think.
Be there at 6 or feel left out.

Alastair and Alex

London Tonight Tonight

Hi,

The countdown to London 2012 is on - I know it, you know, the rest of the world knows it (especially the French eek....pardon..) but Bozza and Co. don't seem to be shouting about it in Cannes....more of that in a moment as there could be another sort of countdown here soon - one on the streets.

You know the pedestrian crossings - the ones that go green when you can walk (after checking the cars/buses/bikes have paid attention to the red light pointing in their direction) and then flash a bit giving you a subtle push to speed up or do a little trot/stumble if you're in my heels - which I don't recommend but I think Al may consider trying after reading this! Well Boris wants to get a countdown thing on them which tells you how long you've got left to walk/trot/stumble out of the path of oncoming/revving traffic. It could mean we get 6 seconds less to get across - which sounds like a lot more rushing around in heels to me - and sounds like bad news for the elderly and disabled. They're not impressed by the plans. But Boris says it'll mean a greener capital - with less cars waiting around at lights and stuff. I don't think I've explained this properly - think I best stop rambling now - will leave it up to Glen who's no doubt going to be running back and forth across the roads as fast as his little legs can carry him later.

Back to 2012 and we've already investigated why there aren't billboards and posters up celebrating the fact the Games are coming here in less than 3 years. You'd think there'd be more - there aren't. Well, the London lot are in France and they're not shouting about it there either. Big tents promoting London and investing in property in the capital - but no sign of a boast of the games.....surely this is v good and will tempt people into investing in property etc... Simon Harris has the tough job of slumming it on the Cote D'Azur - trekking after Boris and asking him - for why? and what's going on? and how much is all this bloomin' well costing!??

There's a sad countdown on for Jade Goody - she's going home from hospital.. Marcus has the latest on what could be her last trip and her last few days. The show about her wedding's on tonight - soooooo sad. Do hope the guidelines are changed now so girls are checked for cervical cancer cells at 18 instead of 25 - seems obvious. Also, do hope she's not in too much pain and that she gets to say goodbye to her little ones and that they're looked after properly.

Really wish all little ones were looked after properly - sometimes doesn't it seem like the people who really should know how make the most tragic mistakes - not talking about Jade now - talking about sad story of family with little one who had meningitis - only the hospital apparently said it was just a throat infection. By the time they got their little one to another hospital - who agreed that it was meningitis (what the parents themselves had told first hospital!) it was too late. They wants answers - and don't want it to happen again - Liz Wickham's been to speak to them.

There's a lot on tonight so will have to speed up the countdown to the show here - Phil's been out with a top air ambo guy - retiring at 65 and has saved soooo many. And Rachel's been shopping - less said about that the better. Was for an actual story though - she's at Selfridges who are 100! Hopefully they've passed on gifts to celebrate....

Dishy Director Dan has just been over trying to get me to write something about him in the blog - suggest he doesn't try and compete with Kiefer Sutherland - and bribe me with something better than a pocket full of change next time...Ski trip would work...

So it's swiftly on to Mr 24 - Lucy gets to check out dishyness on the red carpet chatting to Jack Bauer himself. Yum. He's starring in Aliens Vs Monsters - have just watched a clip...I am a sucker for cartoony type things - this is Dreamworks and looks pretty good...lack of cute animals..but they have upped the cute monster count to compensate. It's 3D too - so silly glasses wearing may persuade me. Lucy and Kiefer will tell us all later.

Al's watching Cheltenham and chuckling at the jockey who's just fallen off his horse before the race has even started. They're now on their 3rd false start - he's transfixed. He's now shouting "C'Mon, C'Mon!!" Very distracting - some of us are trying to work!!

Will get him tea and chocolate so he can focus on the task at hand before 6.

See you then

Alex & Alastair.

Jade returns home

Jade Goody has returned home. She left the Royal Marsden this morning. We'll be live with the latest on London Tonight at six.

Greetings from Cannes by Simon Harris

When the London Tonight team (all two of us) arrived in Cannes this morning we thought for a moment we'd come to the wrong place.

We're here to report on the world's biggest property show but this place looks more like the world's biggest boat show. The venue, the Palais Des Festivals is on the edge of the harbour and every inch of quayside is occupied by the most OTT floating gin palaces you've ever seen. And they're not here sheltering from a Winter storm - or even an economic one! Many of the luxury yachts have been chartered to act as hospitality suites by exhibitors. I counted three being used by local authorities, though not from London I should add.

Most of the attendees from the capital are in a less-than glam tent. Still, even that's not cheap and it's hard to escape the impression that there are some people here who don't know there's a recession on. The truth however is that most people at Mipim are only too well aware that business is seriously down this year. The sun is shining and the wine is flowing but this year's conference will probably end with a bigger hangover than usual. Some of those deals which were so easily tied up at Cannes conferences in the past simpply aren't there for the taking any more. The best advice I can offer is get out of property and invest in a luxury yacht! Bon soir.

London Tonight Tonight

Good afternoon.

There has always been a close connection between property and politics. A hundred and fifty years ago, unless you were part of the property owning classes, you didn't even get a vote. Some places, like University towns, had two MPs and but a handful of electors. The masses looked on aghast from the days of the Levellers right up to the Suffragettes and wondered what this democracy thing was all about. It is better now and apart from felons, lunatics and Irish peers, everyone over 18 can vote. But the magnetic charm of property remains a bit of toxicity, as rampant among our rulers as a dodgy mortgage in a bank's balance sheet. And so we find Harris, in sunglasses, straw hat and swimming shorts, on investigative duties on the Cote D'Azur. In Cannes, specifically: a fabulous town famous for it's film festival and as a playground of billionaires. Here, among celluloid's glitteratti and the high-rollers for whom the credit crunch is something "poor people" endure, he has found a band of your democratically elected representatives, led by Bozza but willingly supported by an entourage of Councillors, Chairs and not a few Special Advisors. They are attending a property market conference. Their theme is inward investment; their purpose to keep all that foreign dosh heading London's way; our concern - is this the best way to spend your hard-earned Council Taxes? Harris rattles their consciences and mutters " recession, what recession?" at them.

Roman Abromavich, who likes Cannes, but has to moor his yacht at sea because it won't fit in the harbour, has seen his fortune slide. But he still counts it in the billions - just a few fewer than a year ago. But his Chelsea FC goes from strength to strength, and tonight they take on Juventus in the Champions League. He buys and sacks managers as if he were addicted to the sport ( of sacking, not soccer) but Gus Huddink is doing well and may last until we go on air at 6. Ned joins us to read the tea leaves and mulls over Arsenal's less savoury appointment in the Eternal City that is Rome, tomorrow night. It was bloody mayhem last time.

Dog fighting is always bloody mayhem which is why it has been illegal for some time. That ban is widely ignored in the countryside and increasingly so in our inner cities. Nasty "sport" attracts nasty "types" and tonight we have the strongest evidence of just how nasty those "types" are - when one dog didn't live up to their hopes it didn't live much longer. It's death did not come in the jaws of another angry canine, but at the bottom of a six storey fall, lobbed, mindlessly to its demise by a gang of disappointed yobs. Marcus has the horrid details.

Odd, on a day that Northern Ireland mourns the death of a murdered policeman in the wake of the two soldiers gunned down at the weekend, to remember the IRA attack on Guildford in October 1974. That's 34 years ago. Guildford, today, conjures up images of leafy suburbs, an attractive albeit crumbling medieval castle and a wonderful county show ground. But it also boasts a firearms training centre and such are the fears of the Surrey constabulary at the rising level of real and "repro'" gun-crime that the place has never been busier. Glen dons his ear-mufflers, and steps up to the plate to learn what the Boys in Blue are taught to make some of you safer.

As I re-read that little lot I am minded to bring some beauty and levity to your lives and so, hey-presto - Ms Julia Roberts. She of Notting Hill and Pretty Woman fame is in town to promote her latest offering - Duplicity - and threatens to honour the red carpet. Lovely Lucy has been warned off by JR's publicity people for risk of our belle out-shinning their's... So we are sending Nick. He may run into difficulties, however. If he runs into Clive Owen, on similar grounds, so he's gunning for an interview with just JR. If someone yells, from the crowd "Who shot JR?" I hope our cameraman will say "I did". Fingers crossed.

I am yet to see a copy of any of London's papers so will hang in expectation with you for that glimpse of the front pages, but I fear Northern Ireland may still be clouding our collective horizons.
Chrissie is our meteorological gloom-lifter tonight.

The Oz has finally managed to order her new bed but she is not clear what an Allen Key is. I told her she should have gone to Liberty's but she is so mindful of how tough it is out there, and believes that concerns about the economy outweigh her ignorance of assembly tools.
She's heading for make-up now so I think I'll get away with that.

See you at 6 unless I am wrong and she blackens my eyes - in which case, enjoy her company and I'll see you tomorrow.

Alastair and Alex

Chelsea visit Juventus tonight

On tonight's London Tonight we get some words of wisdom from our good friend Ned Boulting from ITV Sport, who's in Turin.

Before that.. some words from Guus Hiddink..

London Tonight Tonight

Good afternoon.

Bozza wants "more" green spaces in the Capital - he told us so, at election time. The people of the Kingshold estate, Hackney, just want "some" green space - they told their Councillors. "But you've got some", observed the Councillors, pointing to the nearby park. The "nearby park" is, to the law abiding citizens of Kingshold, what the north of Cyprus is to the Greeks living south of the Green line - we are talking "no-go-area". Nick puts on his flak jacket and heads North-East to discover why, and whether property development may have a small say in the matter, too.

Talking of which, the one upside to our collective half-trillion pound (that's £500,000,000,000) bailout of some of the Banks (and there are a few more still festering in the wings) is the instruction from the Government, on behalf of us "shareholders", that they get lending again, especially on mortgages. Do you see a property market, ablaze with interest? A banging down of estate agents' doors? Nope - it's still as lukewarm as yesterday's left-overs. Melanie Bien joins us to explore when things, at least hypothetically, may change.

There used to be a great programme on TV called "Hypotheticals" - they'd set a scenario and ask the great and the good what they'd do:
"An unknown virus is sweeping across the south of England. What do you do?".
"Move North?" would not have done.
Then they'd develop the scenario: "And we've run out of hypodermics"
"Bulk buy sugar cubes?" would have fallen short, too.
Anyway tonight we have the tragic story of the family that found itself playing a real-life version of "Hypotheticals" that ended in tragedy.
First scenario - "Dad is displaying stroke symptoms - slurred speech, limp limbs and so on. What do you do?".
"Phone the GP?"
"Good! But, actually, the GP is not there and an out-of-hours service has kicked in, instead. Now what do you do?"
"Give a bit of background and ask for advice?"
"Good. Your getting the hang of this. The out-of-hours service suggests paracetamol. What do you say to that?".
"Not happy. We'll phone NHS Direct. OK?"
"Good - NHS Direct tell you to take him to the Doctor".
" But he's too big to get out of bed - can we call for an ambulance?"
"Yes, but you'll never guess what the paramedics in the ambulance will tell you to do ........"

I am not going to give the punch line away but you reach it via wrong-headed diagnoses including vertigo, yet more recommendations of paracetamol, a trip to A&E, and then the screen fades to black.... Phil listens to the family who have spent more time recently talking to lawyers than medics.

Half a million of London's immigrants would rather not talk to lawyers, if you don't mind: they are illegals and make up two thirds of the national total. Bozza wants to call an amnesty. A lot of the illegals say they just want to stay, work and pay taxes. That, to some cynical old minds, may distinguish them, for the better, from a lot of our homegrown stock but I merely pass on the gossip in the snug... Harris takes a much more clinical, and never cynical, look at the challenge and asks if the election timetable has anything to do with other great political leaders keeping a bit mum on the whole thing.

Michael Ball doesn't do "mum" - he speaks boldly, sings loudly and celebrates, extravagantly, his 25 years in showbiz today. He is sweeping, histrionically, our way to have a natter before sweeping, wondrously, back to do "Hairspray" for the masses I see queuing at his theatre every night. We are lucky to have him, as are they.

We celebrate Chrissie's being with us - it is bright but very cold today. Why? Keep it simple, missy: I am getting on in years.
The papers will litter your screen before littering London until we all learn to do the right thing, assuming we can find a bin.

And we have a piece from a doctor who says we broadcasters get science wrong, though some get it more wrong than others. I like to think we are more a "nuclear fission will happen, one day" programme than a "flat-earth" believer's broadcast. And remember, E only equals MC squared if neither is a rapper nor an illegal drug.

The Oz felt the need for soup as I devoured a chocolate bar - she is wiser and healthier than I am. But I think I am still just a bit happier than her. Soup vs sweeties? Sorry, Doc: it's a no brainer.

See you at 6.

Alastair & Alex

Love London Awards: The Shortlist

The shortlist for the Love London Awards is out!

You can vote by clicking the link on the right hand side of this page.


Best Neighbourhood Bar/Pub: East Dulwich Tavern
Best Neighbourhood Bar/Pub: The Angel Inn
Best Neighbourhood Bar/Pub: The Holly Bush
Best Neighbourhood Bar/Pub: The Larrick
Best Neighbourhood Bar/Pub: The Spaniards Inn
Best Neighbourhood Bar/Pub: The Warwick Arms
Best Neighbourhood Bar/Pub: The Queen's Arms
Best Neighbourhood Bar/Pub: The George
Best Neighbourhood Bar/Pub: The Gun
Best Neighbourhood Bar/Pub: The Red Lion and Sun

Best Neighbourhood Restaurant: Base Restaurant
Best Neighbourhood Restaurant: El Parador
Best Neighbourhood Restaurant: Il Bordello
Best Neighbourhood Restaurant: Osteria Puccinella
Best Neighbourhood Restaurant: Rasa
Best Neighbourhood Restaurant: The Depot, Barnes
Best Neighbourhood Restaurant: Gioberti
Best Neighbourhood Restaurant: Inside
Best Neighbourhood Restaurant: Moomba Bar & Kitchen
Best Neighbourhood Restaurant: Chimes

Best Neighbourhood Gastro Pub: Islington Tup
Best Neighbourhood Gastro Pub: The Larrick
Best Neighbourhood Gastro Pub: The Well's Tavern
Best Neighbourhood Gastro Pub: William IV
Best Neighbourhood Gastro Pub: The Old Ship
Best Neighbourhood Gastro Pub: The Clarence
Best Neighbourhood Gastro Pub: The Duke
Best Neighbourhood Gastro Pub: The Dartmouth Arms
Best Neighbourhood Gastro Pub: The Noble
Best Neighbourhood Gastro Pub: The Drysart

Best Neighbourhood Coffee Shop: Bertie & Boo Cafe
Best Neighbourhood Coffee Shop: Chicchi
Best Neighbourhood Coffee Shop: Coffee cup
Best Neighbourhood Coffee Shop: Espresso Bar
Best Neighbourhood Coffee Shop: Flat White
Best Neighbourhood Coffee Shop: orli cafe
Best Neighbourhood Coffee Shop: Spence Coffee Shop
Best Neighbourhood Coffee Shop: The Corner Cafe and Deli
Best Neighbourhood Coffee Shop: Fly
Best Neighbourhood Coffee Shop: Bar Italia

Best Neighbourhood Cinema: Everyman
Best Neighbourhood Cinema: Ritzy
Best Neighbourhood Cinema: Greenwich Picturehouse
Best Neighbourhood Cinema: Renoir
Best Neighbourhood Cinema: Rio
Best Neighbourhood Cinema: Phoenix
Best Neighbourhood Cinema: Gate
Best Neighbourhood Cinema: Screen
Best Neighbourhood Cinema: Lexi Cinema
Best Neighbourhood Cinema: Watermans

Best Neighbourhood Theatre: Arts Depot
Best Neighbourhood Theatre: Bob Hope Theatre
Best Neighbourhood Theatre: Hackney Empire
Best Neighbourhood Theatre: Greenwich Theatre
Best Neighbourhood Theatre: South Bank Centre
Best Neighbourhood Theatre: Tricyle Theatre
Best Neighbourhood Theatre: Questors Theatre
Best Neighbourhood Theatre: The Mary Wallace Theatre
Best Neighbourhood Theatre: Chicken Shed
Best Neighbourhood Theatre: Broadway Theatre

Best Local Sports Centre: Alexandra Palace Ice Rink
Best Local Sports Centre: David Lloyd
Best Local Sports Centre: Esporta
Best Local Sports Centre: Seymour Leisure Centre
Best Local Sports Centre: Swiss Cottage Sports Centre
Best Local Sports Centre: Oasis
Best Local Sports Centre: The Spa
Best Local Sports Centre: Aspire Leisure Services
Best Local Sports Centre: Wavelengths
Best Local Sports Centre: West Wickham Leisure Centre

Best Local Music Venue: The O2/Indigo2
Best Local Music Venue: Wembly Arena
Best Local Music Venue: Half Moon
Best Local Music Venue: Roundhouse
Best Local Music Venue: Union Chapel
Best Local Music Venue: Jazz Cafe
Best Local Music Venue: Hammersmith Apollo
Best Local Music Venue: Jazz at Boaters Inn
Best Local Music Venue: The Bedford
Best Local Music Venue: The Hob

Best Neighbourhood Delicatessen: Rosslyn Deli
Best Neighbourhood Delicatessen: The Cheeseboard
Best Neighbourhood Delicatessen: The Fat Delicatessen
Best Neighbourhood Delicatessen: Fratellli
Best Neighbourhood Delicatessen: Garcias
Best Neighbourhood Delicatessen: Kennards
Best Neighbourhood Delicatessen: La Fromagerie
Best Neighbourhood Delicatessen: East Dulwich Deli
Best Neighbourhood Delicatessen: The Ginger Pig
Best Neighbourhood Delicatessen: Deli Suz

Best Local Shop: Alfies Antique Market
Best Local Shop: Fancy That of London
Best Local Shop: Mystical Fairies
Best Local Shop: Owl and the Pussy Cat Book Shop
Best Local Shop: Frank Godfrey Family Butcher
Best Local Shop: You Don't Bring Me Flowers
Best Local Shop: Drings Butchers
Best Local Shop: Hindley Antiques
Best Local Shop: Love Me Again
Best Local Shop: Pip's Smoothies

What Not To Miss

Featured this week:

• The East Festival: http://www.visitlondon.com/events/east/
• Move It 2009: www.moveitdance.co.uk
• London Fashion Weekend: http://www.londonfashionweekend.co.uk/

London Tonight Tonight

Hi,

I'm in a foul mood - Ikea won't deliver my new bed to my new house cos it's not the same address as my billing address - obviously!! I'm moving. Grrrrrrr. Robin is doing his best to cheer me up with custard jokes (more of in a mo) I think Al needs cheering up too.. his computer's broken and it doesn't seem like the people at PC World have given him a proper diagnosis. Grumbles from his direction..

I feel his pain and am spreading the love today as I also hate trains - it takes forever to do a ten minute journey from Clapham Junction to Waterloo - even longer for the stupid bus to arrive at Waterloo to bring me to the office (if only I was Al and got chauffeur driven everywhere - not true of course - but I don't like to think of him being stuck on trains like us). The trains are stupid, stupid, stupid and so are the buses. But the trains really are bloody slow - it's a fact. Some South West Trains journeys take longer than they did before the war. I'm not surprised - and it won't surprise the American tourist on my train this morning either - who said (surprisingly loudly...) "This guy drives slower than my Grandma!" I couldn't help but nod in agreement. Phil Bayles has been dispatched to find out why so sllooooooooow!!??

Back to the custard and another angry person. Leila Deen was so mad there was nothing else for it - green custard in Peter Mandelson's face. I don't think he's been moonlighting at either PC World or IKEA - he got Leila's blood boiling over Heathrow. She's from Plane Stupid - and says he's not helping their cause. So he got slimed! I've been reliving images of Ghostbusters. Marcus has been quoting things about green slime running through Mandelson's veins. He's going to explain all and show us the pics later - and take a trip down memory lane - not to Ghostbusters - but to more of our favourite politicians getting custarded. I'm just watching the pics again and am slightly concerned that Ms Deen managed to calmly walk away from the sliming...don't people get arrested for doing things like that - cue Robin...I don't think a custarding is assault "If it was they'd be facing a custurdial sentence". I'm smiling now.

400 others are not smiling though - they're puking and pooping and it's all thanks to a certain chubby duck. I've always had Heston's restaurant in Bray on my list of places I really should get around to eating in. But it has gone down the list now the food's apparently not going down too well. First 40 people said they'd got sick after eating there - now it's 400! Heston first thought it might be sabotage - but turns out they don't think that now - what it is Tamsin Roberts will be trying to find out as the 3 Michelin starred eatery stays shut for another weekend. No credit munch there then..

What else...there are some smash and grabbers caught by CNN on camera in Oxford Street which sounds well worth a look - and listen if Big Ed's imitation during the meeting (something of a roar!) is anything to go by. There's also James with the flicks - Watchmen (which looks like a boy's things to me) and The Young Victoria (which is definitely one I'm up for but am not sure I'll be able to persuade the other half..).

Ah yes - then there's Cannon and Ball - not a pair I'm familiar with as I don't recall them making it big down under...but I'm told they were the stars of ITV in the 80s - something to do with braces - which Al has forgotten to wear today so can not demonstrate - something to do with rocking on...I'm told I should be all excited - we'll see... They're in to talk about the Best of British Variety Tour - I'm looking forward to hearing about Nookie the Bear...That should put me in a better mood.

Now I just have to sort out my stupid phone - contacts and calendar have disappeared...it just is NOT my day!

Chocolate is called for.

See you at 6.

Alex and Alastair.

Politicians under attack

You'll see a few of these on the programme tonight. But here's an early reminder of some of the politicians who've been targetted in the past..

Lord Mandelson and the Green Custard

See the full story on London Tonight at six..

Michael Jackson in London

So he's coming..

If you missed London Tonight, this is what happened in Greenwich late this afternoon..